Whatever You Became
by aisakayume
Summary: Arcana fic; takes place during the time that Holden was in the mental hospital after the 'incident' with Vincent. This was my first ever fanfic, and belong to "Whatever You Became" by Cold.


This was my first fanfic, written almost a year ago! I think my writing has improved since then, ne? 

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"Whatever You Became" 

  
  
Holden stood at the window, staring at nothing in particular, and sighed. He turned and cast a glance around the room. Though littered with plushies and flowers, his room at the mental hospital seemed more like a jail cell than anything. The people there were nice enough, but the cold grey-blue walls and barred window in the door made it impossible to see this place as even a temporary home. He padded over to the bed and picked up Usagi-chan, Az's favorite plushie, and returned to his window. _It was so nice of Az_, he thought, _to leave behind something so important to her, just to make me feel better_. Holden's thoughts suddenly turned to Vincent. _He did the same thing...to make me feel better. He gave up drinking from humans, just so I wouldn't be afraid of him..._  
  
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Whatever you killed,   
The blood got on my face.   
See it took over you,   
and your minds nearly gone...   
  
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_It's my fault all this has happened. If only he hadn't given up human blood, he wouldn't have gotten so sick...I wasn't there for him, to help him through that..._ Holden momentarily wished he had offered Vincent his own blood. _No! He didn't have to just leave like that! He could have told me what was going on... He could have let me help, I would have understood!_ He walked back to the bed and threw himself on it, sobbing into Usagi-chan's ears, and whispered, "Why did he have to confront Adonis? ...Why did he have to drink his blood! ...Why couldn't he let me help him? ...He should have let me go with him..." Holden knew Vincent wouldn't want him to feel guilty about this, but he couldn't help it...  
  
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And I can't change my ways.  
Sorry, it's my fault...  
I wasn't there to see   
Whatever you became...  
  
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He tried to push the memories of Vincent out of his head, but his mind wouldn't cooperate with him. Every thought, every emotion, everything in him seemed somehow connected to Vincent. _"You will be mine."_ That had been the last thing Vincent said to him before he left through the window. _I'm already yours, Vincent. I love you too much to turn away from you, even now...after all you've done to me... I want to hate you, so much...I do. But I just can't. I feel so alone, Vincent... Where are you?_  
  
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Can't turn away from you,   
What's my life if your gone?   
Whatever you feel,   
I take it on my stage.  
I'd sing to the world for you,   
and I'm always alone...   
  
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Holden sat up suddenly. "Why did he have to leave like that?" He looked down at the pink bunny clutched to his chest. "Is it because of you, Usagi-chan?" Holden glanced at the other plushies scattered on the bed and table. "Is it because of all of you? Did he think I'm too much of a child to handle something like this? ...To help him overcome Adonis's soul inside of him?"  
  
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And I can't change my ways.   
Sorry, it's my fault...   
I wasn't there to see   
Whatever you became...   
  
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Holden stood and walked around the room, still holding Usagi-chan. Looking down at his loosely fitting, sea-foam green shirt and pants, he sighed. He let his arms fall to his sides while a single tear fell to the floor. Holden fell to his knees, rocking himself, and cried. "Vincent... I love you...love you...so...much. Why...did you do this to...me? Please, please.... Please come back to me... Vincent.... I need you..."  
  
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I can see it all   
You're so far away   
I can't take this anymore   
I can't live until I see your face   
  
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He stopped crying and laid there on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. "I'm such a fucking child." His words were acid. "Why do I have to be so dependent on him, on Az, on _you_?!" Holden was holding Usagi-chan in front of his face, but now he tossed her aside. He stood up and walked to the bed. "On _all_ of you!" In one quick motion, he swept all of the plushies onto the floor. He plopped down on the bed. "On this..." He pushed over the table, sending a dozens of flowers and cards crashing to the floor. He pulled his feet up onto the bed, hugging his knees, to avoid the water and broken glass spreading rapidly over the gray tiles.  
  
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And I can't change my ways.   
Sorry, it's my fault...  
I wasn't there to see   
Whatever you became...   
  
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Holden put his head between his knees and sighed. "You've taken so much from me. Hurt me. Even now you torture me. I want to hate you so badly. But I can't...and I don't know why I love you."  
  
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Something's gone away,   
You've taken this from me.   
Until I see your face...   
I'm slipping away...   
  
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Holden's entire body began to shake as he screamed, "Why can't I hate you?!"  
  
  
(-END-) 

  
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Sucks, doesn't it? Meh. -.- Well, yeah. To actually understand what the hell is going on, you would have to read Arcana, which is an extremely well done webcomic. Ooh, I love it. It almost rivals AoC. ^.^ But, yeah. There's my fanfic/songfic about Holden angsting over Vincent.


End file.
